How Online Harassment Escalates into Real-World Threats

Shattering the Harmless DM Myth

If you are a woman on social media, you have likely opened your direct messages at some point and found a message from a stranger saying, 'hello love.' You ignore them, they persist. You answer and tell them you are not interested, and they see this as an invitation to carry on.

For most of us, it is annoying, but some take their initial advances to a dangerous level. Instead of stepping back, they go all in and eventually cross legal lines, becoming a criminal threat.

It is not always men, but I am sorry to say that the greater majority of threats from people who do not take no for an answer come from males.

These cases highlight a clear progression from rejection to increasingly intrusive threats. In some cases, harassment charges were pursued. In others, the consequences were severe.

Substack Stalker

The idea for this story came from a vulnerable author I was supporting on Substack. For some of you, this might be shocking. Yes, even on this platform there are predators.

The writer in question had been sharing personal stories about her life and had openly admitted she is autistic. The vulnerable nature of her posts seemed to encourage one individual to start messaging her. She responded that she would only ever be friends, and initially he accepted this.

However, as the day wore on, the messages became intrusive and she felt uncomfortable. This is an important factor. Whether it was his intention or not, she felt uncomfortable so she had the right to walk away. She blocked him.

The next morning, he had made another account and messaged her again. When confronted, he stated he couldn’t find her account and thought something was wrong with his, so he set up another to look for her. Strangely, the rest of his Substack worked fine. He could still see all the other stories. Still, he claimed there was a problem.

She blocked him again, but then he made a third account and began leaving aggressive comments on her stories. Thankfully, he got the message after the third time and hasn’t contacted her since. Unfortunately, not all stories end this way.

A search of the internet brings up many stories like this, of men who do not take no for an answer.

After this encounter, I asked if others were willing to share their stories and many women did. This lovely lady shared her whole story with me. She stated that what I was writing was important and she hoped her story would help in some way.

These are her words.

A Brave Survivor

I’ve had a few experiences like this, but one in particular still stays with me. A few years ago, I was dating someone for a few months. At first, he seemed fine, charming, even. But when I started creating distance, it became clear he couldn’t take no for an answer.

I cut all contact. Blocked him everywhere. But he kept trying: messaging from fake accounts, calling from fake numbers, waiting in front of my apartment, every day finding ways to try to reach me. Then it escalated.

One day, he waited inside the building, right in front of my front door, just to “talk,” uninvited and unannounced. Thankfully, I had been documenting everything: messages, screenshots, behaviour. I sneaked into a room far from the front door and called the police, and they had a “stop conversation” with him, a warning conversation based on all the proof.

But it didn’t really end.

He continued following me in the street when he saw me walking or going out. He approached me three more times after the police warning. The last time, just a couple months ago, I’d had enough. I screamed “leave me the fuck alone” in the middle of the street so everyone could hear.

I walked away in my full power and tears just kept flowing out of my eyes. Tears of power that I gained back. It was the only thing that finally made him walk away.

Still, the fear stays in your system. You learn to stay alert. And sadly, this pattern hasn’t only come from men. I’ve also had women, former “friends”, who couldn’t take distance or boundaries.

People who are struggling emotionally or psychologically, and instead of looking inward, they cling to you, project onto you, try to “claim” you. It’s draining. And when you step away, they don’t let go, they try to guilt-trip, stalk, or try to force their way back in.

None of them were ever offering something real, just chaos, control, and entitlement. I’ve had to cut a lot of people off to protect my peace. And I’ve learned: no is a full sentence. And stay your ground, FIRMLY. But it can take way too much to get people to respect it.

Wellington New Zealand

A man identified as Greg began harassing a woman in January 2016 after she politely rejected him. Over nearly nine years, he bombarded her with violent and sexualised messages. When she ignored him online, he escalated. He tracked down her parents, threatened to 'make them suffer,' and terrorised her at home.

He quickly escalated this behaviour after the initial rejection and the incident turned into systematic stalking and family intimidation. Despite the clear rejections and no engagement from the woman, he would not back down.

She endured nearly a decade of abuse, both physical and emotional, before finally speaking out publicly.

Amanda Todd

Amanda Michelle Todd was just 15 years old when she killed herself on 10 October 2012. Her death marked one of the earliest, most high-profile cases of cyberbullying and online sexual exploitation. It ripped the curtain back on the dark corners of the internet where predators operate in plain sight.

Amanda lived in Port Coquitlam, British Columbia. Like many teens, she used social media and video chat platforms to connect with others.

In 2009, around the time she was in seventh grade and had just moved in with her father, Amanda began using a live-streaming chat service called Blogger. It was there she first encountered the predator who would come to dominate her life.

The man, later identified as Aydin Coban, a Dutch-Turkish national, spent months grooming Amanda online. He showered her with compliments about her appearance and pressured her relentlessly to expose her breasts on camera. Eventually, she gave in. He took a screenshot and the trap was sprung.

What followed was textbook online blackmail. Coban threatened to share the image unless Amanda performed more explicit acts. When she refused, he followed through.

During the 2010 Christmas break, police informed her that the topless image was circulating on the internet. The psychological fallout was immediate and devastating. Amanda spiralled into anxiety, depression, and panic disorder. She began using alcohol and drugs, trying to numb the shame and fear.

Her family moved, desperate to give her a fresh start. Instead, the predator followed.

One year later, Amanda's blackmailer resurfaced. He created a fake Facebook profile, used the topless image as the profile picture, and added Amanda’s new classmates, claiming he was about to start school and wanted to make friends. After gaining their trust, he blasted the image again. Teachers, students, even parents saw it.

Amanda was publicly humiliated. She tried to escape again, transferring schools. But the pattern repeated. Each time she moved, the man infiltrated her new school’s networks and targeted her all over again.

After one particularly brutal wave of harassment, Amanda attempted to take her own life. She survived, but the internet didn’t let her forget. Trolls and classmates mocked her online, posting abusive messages about her attempt on Facebook.

In a final attempt to tell her story, Amanda uploaded a now-infamous YouTube video using flashcards. No speaking, just words detailing the abuse, the bullying, the betrayal, and her isolation.

On 10 October 2012, Amanda was found dead. She had taken her own life. She was just 15.

In April 2014, Dutch authorities charged Aydin Coban with possession of child pornography, indecent assault, and cyberstalking. He had targeted dozens of victims in the same way.

After his conviction in the Netherlands, Coban was extradited to Canada to face charges directly related to Amanda Todd. He was convicted in October 2022 and sentenced to 13 years in prison.

In December 2023, a Dutch judge reduced his sentence to six years, citing overlapping time served and legal technicalities. The man who stalked, blackmailed, and drove a child to suicide would walk free far sooner than most believed fair.

Shattering the Harmless DM Myth

These cases clearly show that direct messages are not the only problem. The internet as a whole is a dangerous place. Its relative anonymity makes people feel invincible and free to say or do whatever they want.

What starts as flirtation can end in criminal-level stalking.

But it is not only the perpetrators that need to be held accountable. Platforms and applications with a lack of active intervention must also answer. Victims are forced to flag content while support remains minimal. Block one account and the abuser simply creates another.

Victims face emotional trauma and often turn to costly legal methods to stop persistent harassers.

People who cannot take a hint often travel a path to stalking or violence.

My advice: turn off your direct messages, or at least restrict them to people who interact with you. Block them before you even reply.

If you have children, make sure they have the confidence and self-esteem to talk about what is going on. If you are unlucky and it escalates, document everything from the first message and seek help as soon as possible.

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