The Victorians lived in the shadow of death. Cholera, typhus, consumption (tuberculosis), childbirth, and industrial accidents stalked daily life. Cemeteries swelled, undertakers thrived, and mourning became a full-blown industry.
But nowhere was this obsession sharper than in the lives of Victorian women.
Draped in black crepe, confined by etiquette manuals, and often confined again by early graves, women became the primary carriers of mourning culture.
Death was not just an event for Victorian women; it was a role, a costume, and a form of control.
Victorian women and death are inseparable, not because women died more often, but because society chose to bind them to death. If your husband died then your brother would look after your inheritance.
The Tragedy of Oscar Wilde’s Half-Sisters
Oscar Wilde’s elder half-sisters, Emily and Mary Wilde, aged 24 and 22 respectively, met a horrific end in November 1871 due to a tragic accident common in the era.
At a Halloween ball in County Monaghan, one of the sisters —accounts often suggest Emily —had her voluminous, highly flammable crinoline dress brush against an open flame, possibly from a fireplace or candle, causing it to burst into flames instantly.
When her sister, Mary, rushed to her aid, her own dress also ignited in the frantic attempt to smother the flames. The two young women sustained terrible, extensive burns and endured a prolonged period of suffering before succumbing to their injuries, with Mary dying on November 8th and Emily on November 21st.
Their father, Sir William Wilde, reportedly worked to hush up the scandalous nature of their deaths, going so far as to have their names incorrectly recorded to obscure his connection to his illegitimate daughters.
Death as a Gendered Duty
In middle and upper-class households, women were expected to embody grief.
When a husband died, a widow could spend up to two and a half years in prescribed mourning dress. Black veils, gloves, and parasols turned her into a walking emblem of death.
This ritual was rarely about personal healing. It was performance, a way for society to display moral respectability, religious virtue, and class discipline. Women bore the burden of that performance, while men returned more quickly to public life.
Mourning wasn’t just a fashion; it was a system of discipline. Strict etiquette manuals dictated what widows could wear, how long they must withdraw from society, and even when they could remarry.
Grief became gendered: women suffered it, displayed it, and carried it on their bodies. A widow in deep mourning could not attend balls, the theatre, or social gatherings. She became socially invisible, half alive, half dead.
Women and the Gothic Home
Death rituals also seeped into the domestic space. Victorian homes often included parlours designed for displaying the dead before burial. Women, as managers of the household, oversaw these rituals: washing the body, arranging the coffin, and orchestrating the wake.
Photography added another layer. Post-mortem portraits, often featuring deceased children propped up among siblings, were frequently arranged by grieving mothers.
These haunting images fused motherhood, mourning, and memorialisation into a single duty.
Spiritualism and the Female Medium
The Victorian era also birthed spiritualism, a movement obsessed with contacting the dead. Mediums, many of them women, held séances in candlelit parlours, claiming to channel lost loved ones.
Here, death gave women unusual power. In a patriarchal culture that often silenced female voices, spiritualism provided a platform. The female medium became both feared and revered, a channel between worlds.
Yet even here, control lurked. Many spiritualist women were accused of hysteria or fraud. Their authority was tolerated only within the boundaries of death.
Conspiracies of Morality and Industry
The Victorians didn’t just grieve; they monetised grief. The mourning industry thrived, selling everything from black-dyed fabrics to jewellery, mourning stationery, and specialised cosmetics to prevent tears from smudging make-up.
Who benefited from this culture? Manufacturers, churches, undertakers, and the patriarchy itself. By tying female virtue to visible mourning, society ensured that women’s roles remained bound to family, morality, and the domestic sphere.
In this sense, Victorian mourning was less about death and more about control through death. A conspiracy of etiquette and commerce turned grief into discipline.
Beauty in Death
Tuberculosis, or “consumption,” ravaged the 19th century, killing young women in disproportionate numbers. Yet instead of being seen as purely tragic, the disease was romanticised. Pale skin, sunken cheeks, and a frail figure became the consumptive aesthetic, celebrated in novels, poetry, and art.
Death itself was feminised, made delicate, almost beautiful. Writers like Thomas Hardy and painters of the Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood enshrined dying young women as tragic heroines, their suffering idealised into art.
Victorian art and literature repeatedly used the dead female body as a metaphor. Ophelia, drifting among flowers in Millais’ famous painting, became an icon of beauty in death. Gothic novels filled with fainting women, bleeding virgins, and tragic heroines collapsing under illness reinforced the idea that women were most powerful, or most poetic, when dying.
This turned female death into a spectacle. Women were expected not only to endure mortality but to make it look graceful.
Death, Women, and Performance Today
The Victorian obsession with female mourning has not vanished; it has simply shifted.
The media still acts differently when a famous woman dies young compared to her male counterparts. Princess Diana, Amy Winehouse, Marilyn Monroe: their deaths are mythologised, consumed, and aestheticised by the public.
Even today, women are more often expected to perform visible grief in families, to organise funerals, and to maintain memorial rituals.
The Victorian stage set the template, but, we are still living with it.
Until next Wednesday: Stay safe, stay curious, and beware the shadows of the past.